Damn You, Cancer!

More bad news today. Gran's liver is shutting down. I'm not sure I have ever been so full of so many negative emotions at the same time. It's just not fair.

I'm in shock. I'm devastated. I'm heart broken. I'm nauseated. I'm disappointed. I'm scared. I'm lonely. And I'm so angry.

I'm angry at the doctors for not finding it sooner. Theyve should have been real cautious considering she had already been diagnosed. Im angry at this whole disease of cancer. I'm angry at myself because she had told me she was tired and achy, but since those are also side effects of chemo, I didn't think any thing of it. And I'm angry at God. How can he take my Gran away, already? She's supposed to be here forever. She's supposed to be here when we have kids and spoil them rotten she's supposed to see the other 8 grandchildren get married. She has so much life to live. How can he end it now?

I just can't imagine life without my Gran. We are not only grandmother and granddaughter, but we are also very special friends. We talk on a daily basis. We go shopping together when I go home. We always fuss about the bachelor. We have a very special bond and I am just not ready to let go.

Growing Up

We spend the first 21 years of our life wishing we were a grown up. We can't wait to be an adult and to be on our own. I was one of those people.

Then, we become an adults and life isn't what we expected. It's not as easy as we thought. There are bills, difficult decisions and responsibilities.

Today is one of those days that I really felt like a grown up. I also have found myself wishing that I was a naive 7 year old without a care in the world. I wish I could crawl up in my mamas lap and cry. I wish I didn't understand.

But, I am an adult. I know what is going on. I have found myself today being a caregiver to both my dad, and to Gran. I have also found out some very devastating news.

Dad is perfectly fine, just had a colonoscopy. But, for the first time, I was the only one in the waiting room. I was the one that the doctor spoke with. I was the one that took him home. It was new role for me, one that made me question what my life will be like as my parents continue to age.

Gran, on the other hand, is not doing well. They have added another chemo drug in hopes of making a difference. We must see progress soon, or we may not win the battle. My heart aches. As I care for my Gran, I see a whole different person. She still has her spunk, but she's just not the same. She's sick. I know that it's not just the chemo that we need to work. I know that God is the one in control. So, if you are the praying type, I ask that you pray for God to heal Gran.

So, for now, I have my big girl panties on and I'm holding back tears. I'm cherishing ever second I can while I am with my Gran. And I'm praying and having faith that God WILL heal.

Gran and her Sam

Christmas Update

Well, Christmas might have been 2 weeks ago.  But, I finally am sitting down to do a quick recap. 

We were very lucky this year to be able to spend a full week visiting family.  Thursday morning when Anthony got off work, we loaded up the car (think we might need a bigger car if we have a child, or another dog) and headed home.  We started off with my family.  And I was so excited.  We had a big surprise in store for Gran.  She had mentioned that she wanted a new chair for Christmas.  So, we took her to the furniture store when we were home at Thanksgiving to pick out her chair.  Well, while we were looking, she decided she might want a new couch, too.  Well, with some convincing, she decided to wait on the couch.  But, without her knowing, we went and ordered the couch and 2 chairs for her.  I couldn't wait to surprise her.  Anthony and I took her out to dinner and when we took her home, the new furniture and all of her family was there.  It was the best moment.  She was so surprised and so happy.  I didn't think to get a picture of the couch and chairs, but here are a couple from Christmas Eve.

Like I said before, I spent a lot of time with Gran while I was at home.  We made two trips to Walmart, I learned how to peel celery, and I helped her wrap a couple gifts.  Every year, on Christmas Eve night, we meet at Gran's house for dinner and gifts, and this year as no different.  It was, however, so much more special.  We realized just how lucky we are to have our Gran.  

Gran's Tree

My Gran and I

Anthony and I at Gran's

This year, all of the cousins drew names and bought a gift for each other.  This was the first year that we have done this.  My brother thought he would be funny and wrap my cousin's gift in multiple boxes, a whole roll of duck tape, and Saran wrap.  Well, someone leaked his "secret" and most everyone's gift included multiple boxes or duck tape. 

James opening his gift.

James's gift wrapping

My cousin Lane opening his gift from James

We spent the night at Mom and Dad's and woke up for gifts from Santa.  Santa was very good to us all this year!  Christmas Day, Mom's brother and his family come over to our house for lunch and gifts.  I have to say, this is my favorite holiday meal.  My mom was a Home Ec. teacher for 17 years, so she makes everything from scratch.  I hope someday to learn how to prepare this meal like she does.  We always have smoked turkey (she actually buys this from a man she works with, but it is amazing), broccoli rice casserole, sweet potato casserole, macaroni and cheese, homemade rolls and pecan pie.  She has a few other things, but these are my favorites!  I should have gotten a picture, but I couldn't wait to dig in!

Our family on Christmas Day

The day after Christmas, we met up with Anthony's family for lunch, gifts and visiting.  We are really excited because next year, there will be a new addition to this side of the family!  We are also hoping that next year we will live closer to home and can start a new tradition in our own place.

Rylie hopes so, too.  All of the Christmas excitement wore her out!







Scared

I have a lot to blog about and several pictures and recipes to share, but right now, I'm just not in the mood.

2012 is not off to a good start for my family and me. If you have been following, you have read about Gran. Last winter, she found a lump in her breast. It was found to be cancerous. A mastectomy was quickly scheduled, followed by chemo and radiation. It was not easy for her, nor was it easy to watch. We knew there was a chance of it returning or spreading, but thought we had some time before that happened.

Christmas came and went. I cherished every moment with my gran, even if she did insist that celery had to be peeled. Around that time, she began complaining of heartburn and having no appetite. By the 29th, she was miserable. Thinking it was just her gallbladder, she called her primary care doctor. He ordered an ultrasound, followed by a CT scan. Masses were found on her liver and the wall of her colon was thickened.

Today, she saw her oncologist and was admitted to the hospital. There is also a mass on her lung. I am terrified. I love my Gran so much. She is not just a grandmother, but also a friend.

Please keep my family in your prayers.